impending impetus

I haven't actually TALKED about this crap, have I

I haven't because there's a fissure disconnect between my brain and my reality/perception intake on a daily level

It's like

you promise yourself lots of things, I guess
You make bargains
sacrifices
mostly sacrifices
(I used goats!)

(nooooo I didn't)

Having a dream is fine, working toward it is fine
But something has to give in order for another thing to get

So you promise yourself things, that if THIS thing goes right, you'll never complain again in your life
and you won't
and you haven't so far.

And you're just this weird brunette who failed at dying her hair darker, this weird beaker of empathic acid with the same jeans for four years, you really should buy new jeans, or at least a not-at-home haircut, have you cared about yourself at all for the past three years (no) have you measured yourself lately (yes, 38-31-42 who wants to join me in that nearly four foot around hip club)

the point is, WHO CARES

You are best

Stepping onto a platform of 2% is the same as being on platform with the other 98%, even if the 2% platform is just a little higher

I want to scream at the community; it is not about how "good" you are, it is not about you period fuckers shut up

it's about writing
letting everything go and becoming a non-existent entity unattached to your ego
because that is what writing does
It's like

You ever hear of those 세습무, or seseummu in korea
hereditary super shamans, mostly girls, they don't invite anything INTO them
They're the only ones who can talk to a god through ANOTHER medium

It's like looking into a mirror facing a mirror and seeing the end of it

I've let everything go and now people expect me to pull it all back in
So

And I've always wanted to. Pull it back in. Own it. Walk into a room with fashionable clothes or something, and say 'yeah, I'm a writer, so what give me a mint julep'.

I guess I get to do that now
I just don't get it
get the part of being a writer that isn't writing
I'm trying though

I'm not good at ego so I just won't try
I'll be real with people and hopefully that will be okay

I have to have an idea of who I will be
And I just feel seven when I make the list

I want to be pretty
I want to be classy, and classy people don't talk a lot
I want to help

I want to help a lot

I also want to be this girl

kidding

I'm cool with myself
not very cool but a little cool