that is the long march

.

GUYS I'M SO FUCKING GOOD

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||\\

MY GROOVE

I'VE PUT THE WHEEL BACK IN IT

I DO WHAT I WANT AND I GET WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT



anhourlateredit;

Just gonna watch this movie on repeat this whole weekend if that's okay with you guys

oh my god weird paper doll people INTRO STOP OKAY ACTUAL MOVIE AT 4:00 THERE. 
OH MY GOD DIGIMON RAP DIGIMON RAPPING WITH RAINBOW SQUARES

"DIGIDUDES"

Weirdly white looking japanese people as per usual yes, yes continue
ANIME BABIES DAWWWWW
oh my god nightmare shit coming out of a computer screen ohmyfu
ANIME BABIES TALKING WITH WHISTLES DAWWWWWx2334
I WANT A BLACK FUZZBALL THAT BLOWS BUBBLES MAKE IT HAPPEN SCIENCE
"mimi told me you were the one who threw up in my hat"
time for a creepy pink head with no body weeyyyy weyyyy ya bastard
OH ITS A FACEHUGGER guys run predator is gonna land next to kill it
FUCK HIM UP CAT FUCK HIM UP
now it talks english what the hell is even
guys if a dinosaur was sleeping in your bed and then broke your bed would you sit there or would you RUN
This movie can alternatively be called; "a little girl in pink pig pajamas rides a giant dinosaur through tokyo fucking shit up"
OH GOOD NEWS GUYS THE DINOSAUR BARFS FIREBALLS TOO
I THINK THAT'S CALLED A DRAGON
yeah he just anti-aerial-d some helicopters 
HE'S A FUCKING DRAGON
OH SHIT A GIANT PARROT BITCH THIS IS A MOTHRA VS. GODZILLA HOMAGE FOR SURE
so nobody notices the fireballs hitting their balcony or what
"let's all get digital"
oh my god this soundtrack
THEY JUST DISAPPEAR AND LEAVE BEHIND RUBBLE
where is the military herp
Tai types like a granny with epilepsy just sayin
BARENAKED LADIES REMEMBER THIS FUCKING SONG I REMEMBER THIS FUCKING SONG
"hi our name is this animation studio and we don't know how to represent the internet's massive data stream so we use pac-man whooooo"
"GET OUT OF MY WAY A DIGIMON IS EATING THE INTERNET AND YOURE WORRIED ABOUT A FEW BOOKS" oh izzy what a badass
MIMI'S ANSWERING MACHINE HAHAHAHHA I CAN'T
time for abstract LSD pipeline representations of the interbutts starring a ladybug and a dinosaur
infermon looks like something out of a hayao miyazaki movie and not in a good way I mean in a princess mononoke oozing pig way
"IF WE LOSE OUR PHONE LINES WE'RE FINISHED, THAT'S THE ONLY WAY WE HAVE INTERNET" Oh 90's, you so cute
infermon calls: "I WANT TO PLAY A GAME"
oh mimi, you psychotic popular girl bitch I love you
"do you know what a semi conductor is?" "A guy who works part time on a train?"
MATT HI
time for a LETS SEE AMERICA THROUGH THE EYES OF JAPAN montage
MATT HIx2
GABUMON AND PATAMON YAYYYYYYYYYYyy
if the internet is really a psychadelic pastel system of tubes I also want to live there
movie description; "everybody all over the world watches some .movs of 3-D rendered animals on their computer screens"
he digivolved to marilyn manson oops
NO PATAMON NOOOOOOOOOOO
IZZY has to void his bowels at the best moment I love it so hard
do you guys remember BSOD's
THE USA JUST LAUNCHED TWO NUCLEAR MISSILES THANKS DIABOROMON guys this is some mission impossible shit
oh shit going into the monitor matrix style
OH SHIT YOU GUYS MERGE GO GO GO
floating piss-colored kids GOGOGOOG
is it sad I knew the name of the merged digimon before they were like "OMNIMON"
oh fuck the missile will impact guys
the power of spam email fucks the bad guy up YES

HAHAHAHAHAH
apparently colorado is just a field of yellow flowers go figure
YOLI IS MY BRO
YES NEW DIGIDESTINED GO LETS LEARN THEM
I love terriermon I want one so bad
NOW SHIT IS GOING DOWN IN NEW YORK
NO TERRIERMON NOOOOO 
bitch patamon can fly they'll find your ass
TERRIERMON IN A BACKPACK I WANT IT AHHHHHH
"I don't even wear shoes" I LOVE TERRIERMON
TERRIERMON EAR UMBRELLA YES PLZ YES
wait somehow these japanese kids know american trucker english?
WILLIS STOP HITTING ON THE JAPANESE GIRL
stop talking about pizza and get in the TRUCK
NO YOU IDIOT THERE GOES THE TRUCK

oh my fucking god
oh my fucking god
1:05:05 is the scariest fucking thing I have ever seen in my life

FLAMEDRAMON THE FIRE OF COURAGE DAMN STRAIGHT
FUCK YEAH GARGOMON MACHINEGUN ARMS
terriermon hold my hand too Q__Q
time to ride a lizard through america
"I CREATED HIM" DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNn
DAVIS' MAN TEARS
AND THE TWO SECOND REBOUND
TERRIERMON IN A BLANKET OH STOP MELTING MY HARTO
"don't worry about it, he'll find us, my name is willis"
oh fuck evil bunny
"armadillomon, you have the lamest fucking name"
armadillomon's second digivolution is black and hawkmon is british okay I can live with this
"halsemon the wings of love" ARE YOU SHITTING ME
"ALL COOL QUOTES" Digmon: "....howdy" FUCKING LAMER
ew what joker digimon what
NOW HES JUGGLING WITH DIGIMON I CANT EVEN
fucking bunny blast the WORLD guys is what I wanna do
OHSHT ANGEMON AND ANGEWOMON HEY SEXYS
TIME WARP
I LOVE TIME WARPS
time to release 'golden digieggs'
for the record Magnadramon is fly as fuck
RAPIDMON FUCK YEAH FIRE YOUR LAZARS
okay rapidmon's rockets have bunny faces on them i can't get over it it's the best
YAY TERRIERMON
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR GIRL" "NOTHING JUST GUY TALK"
OH YAY A DIGIEGG KOKOMON YAY
DANCING KOKOMON IS PRICELESS
"HES TONEDEAF"

YES SO GOOD YES.

FULL STOP.





yeah this is really just what life should be

bad enough to take me home

“You’re just starting out, huh?” He asks, eyes on Zeph. “That blade looks real weak.”

“Screw you too, buddy!” Zeph barks, but he hears it as squeaking. The girl and boy sitting chuckle. Saber’s smile twists.

“Weak, huh? There’s this nice saying, though. I really like it. You know what it is?”

Saber opens her palm and Zeph jumps into it. She curls into a ball of red fur and starts growing long, thin. The wind picks up and spirals around the transforming animal, tail becoming a sharp metal point, ears melding to form a handle and nose flattening. Her black eyes stretch to become a black silk ribbon that dangles from the pommel. The blade is crimson like a dying sun, and the size of a long dagger. Saber tightens her fingers around the handle, smiling brighter and motioning for the boy to approach.

“‘Don’t knock it until you try it’.”

“You’re challenging me?” The boy laughs. “Seriously? You don’t have a single Mark!”

“Then this’ll be easy for you,” Saber braces herself. The boy looks back at his friends, who shrug.

“I don’t like picking fights with new kids. But fine. If you want this so bad, then -” He sighs. “Let’s go, Hadon.”

The emerald lizard rises, lumbering over to the boy. He touches its headfin, and the lizard curls up, scales elongating and tail becoming a whip-sharp blade-point. The headfin curves into an intricately-woven handguard, and the eyes of the lizard become two yellow jewels embedded in the handle. The rapier is bright green and translucent like crystal. The boy smirks and raises it higher.

“Still wanna fight, new kid?”

“Fight? No. I just wanna have fun,” Saber says. The boy narrows his eyes and lunges for her, closing the distance. He’s not playing around. His puts all his speed behind the lunges, stabbing at her, the rapier point flashing. It’s made for stabbing. One stab from that and she could kiss her intact body goodbye. But his thrusts are powerful, driven. Focused. Too focused. He doesn’t explore his options, doesn’t stray. She can see his forceful stabs coming, and knows where they’re aimed. She stays light, puts her weight in her toes and keeps moving, swaying, ducking to different sides. Away from him. Seven thrusts, and all of them miss. Saber dances away from the last, puts space between them.

“You –” The boy growls. Saber holds up a finger.

“One sec,” She fishes a hairband out of her pocket, and ties her hair in a ponytail. She’s doing something so casual in the middle of a duel, and it’s a slap in his face. She knows that. He knows that. The girl by the road calls.

“Don’t be so arrogant, kid! Get her now, Aaron!”

Aaron grits his teeth and plunges the rapier into the ground. From the puncture, a fissure grows, splitting the ground with thundersound. Saber jumps to one side, narrowly avoiding the gaping wound.

“Whoa, whoa! Why so much hostility?”

“You’re disrespecting your betters!” Aaron shouts.

“Yeah, you know, me and that respect thing,” She tosses her ponytail. “I don’t understand it all that well.”

Aaron pulls the rapier from the ground until just the tip is in. He flicks it up, and a boulder carves from the ground and levitates. A stab from the rapier sends the boulder hurtling towards Saber. She leans to the side, the boulder missing her by mere inches.

“My turn!” She chirps. The wind generated by the zooming boulder gathers around her crimson blade as a small tornado. She rotates her wrist, and the tornado gets tighter, larger, faster. Aaron dashes in, and she struggles to dodge his furious stabs at her every body part. Just a little more. She keeps her wrist going as she bends back, rapier skimming her cheek. The wind in her blade lathers from a faint whistle to a roar, and she lets it go. The tornado smashes into Aaron’s abdomen, twists his shirt to shreds, spirals his skin painfully, and he goes flying.   

He would get up. He would struggle to his feet from the fifteen-foot fall and keep fighting, but his hand is empty. He can’t feel his blade anymore. Fingers scrabble at the ground, he sits up and frantically searches. It’s over. She separated his blade from his hand.

“Here,” Saber walks up, his blade kept in the air by a tendril of wind. She moves it to hang in front of him. “You okay?”

“H-How?” He stammers. “I have four Marks. I’ve beaten four Blademasters! There’s no way some no-Mark like you –”

“You were surprised I threw a strong wind like that. Confusion and muddled thoughts weaken the bond between Cutter and blade. I poked wind at your hand while you were falling, and the bond severed. A Cutter can topple a stronger one if the stronger underestimates them. Why am I telling you this? You have four Marks. You know this.”

|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Here's a good question. 

who the fuck are you to tell me what to do

oh god it is so fun until it gets serious

heaving sighs

because it is so fun until it gets serious

until they want names for what you are to them and what they are to you

because I must be some kind of dysfunctional who only likes cotton candy 

I will never be tamed

and once they realize it's impossible they get frustrated because they thought it was possible, that's the only reason they kept talking to you, doing things with you

because they thought they'd get rewarded 

ahhhh they're so funny aren't they

the people who take this life seriously

so boring

time to grow my hair long and whip idiots in the face with it

gonna get my taregami hair on and write waka poetry and have poetrybattlereadings in my teashop

just let me live
just shut up and let me live until I die

god what

what I wouldn't give to be a ____________.

I wonder what it's like to not be a raging emotionally independent bitch

the argument is, but what about his feelings?
people with feelings are boring, I say, and roll over on my cat 
why do people have feelings I don't understand it
no i do

people get attached

it's so predictable
selfish
shallow


if you really liked someone
really, really liked them,
you'd just want them to be happy even without you



ahhh

these people, 
these people are so.

"i would like to go back to friday afternoon where milo told me everything he hated about himself and the entire time i was staring at his erection"

oh my f-


why do I even bother writing

god if there is one thing I get high off of more than my own writing it's finding someone who's better than me at it

grendel

I don't think you quite understand.

I am lucky.
I am devoted.

Everyone is weak.


Some of them know what they want but balk at the sacrifice and ruthlessness you have to cultivate to make it come true.

Writers who need experiences to write are weak. Weak with tepid imaginations, reliant on life to spur them. Reliant on something outside themselves. Unwhole half-circles.

People who drown their sorrows in alcohol/drugs/food/women/men/things are weak. People who drown their anything instead of facing it are weak.

This doesn't mean I don't love them.
I love the weak.
I admire the weak.
I want to be weak sometimes too.

But that's impossible, don't you see, there will never be a me who is weak
I can't stand weakness inside me
I will cut all of the weak out with a silver ritual knife as soon as it shows its face

no one else is strong and singular and devoted
they just chase after what makes them happy without regard for other people who might need them it is so fleeting
nothing makes me happy
so I will never chase after it, don't worry.

I can't let the people who rely on me down
I have to take care of them

this is me being excessively dutybound



I've just decided
since a long time ago I've decided
since that night I've decided

there is no point living just for yourself
everyone is everyone in the most non-hippie way
I'll protect you if you need it
I'll be strong when you can't be
I'll be strong when you need it



nothing'sgonnastandinmywayeveragain
notlove
notpeople
notevenmydesireforanormallife



iwillneverbetamed

iwillalwaysbewildanddrivenandsingular
i will never give up and give in
no matter how tired i get
no matter how much I want to stop
and cry




Carry on.
Carrion.


EDI:T:T:T: 

Wow.

Way to sound like a superior asshole, me

also yo dawg this is from tumblr

ADD IN YOUR OWN LANGUAGE

English                       I love you
German                      Ich liebe dich
Tumblr                       FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK I HATE YOU
Portugese                   Eu te amo
Harry Potter               Always
Thornberry                BLARHAGARHHGARHH
Persian                      Doostet daram
Turkish                     Miluju te
Batman                     NO LOVE. ONLY JUSTICE.
Spanish                    Te amo
Nightwing                 Touch my ass
Asexual                    Will there be wifi
Korra                       Look, I really like you and I think we were meant for each other!
Homura                    MADOKA-CHAN!!
Toph                       *PUNCH* That's how I show affection.
Mai                          I don't hate you.
Zuko                        HONOR!
Sherlock                   You're an idiot.
John Wattson            I always say "I love you", but it's usually subtext.
Spock                       I have been emotionally compromised.


TIDEIEEI: 

YO ME PAST ME YO YO LISTEN YO

YO YOU'RE OKAY IN THE FUTURE YO
A LITTLE FATTER BUT OKAYER

god I remember every single moment of that second it smelled like BO because that is what drama room when used as changing rooms smell like and I drank a lot of nyquil in order to not sneeze my face off during the show

nostalgia

also me beating up children

anyway I need to get some new authorly pictures taken eeeeeeeefffffffffffff WHY CANT THEY JUST USE THESE I AM FAT NOWWWWWWWWWWWW

"In a perfect world, there is lightning the color of my heart"

I freeze. The voice is high-pitched. Young. A kid? When had they gotten in the house? I swallow my tears as best I can and look up.

“Who’s there?”

“Down!” The voice chirps. I incline my head. “More!” The voice says again. I look at the floor. “Almost there! Great Code, you humans are slow with those big watermelon heads of yours.”

The carebear is standing up, fuzzy arms folded over one another, a scowl tinting its muzzle, black bead eyes narrowed. I scream and my leg kicks up instinctively, punting the carebear across the room. I pound my fists against my temples. Wake up! Wake up! Hurry, before it grows teeth and starts chasing you –

“Ow! Is that your idea of a warm welcome?”

I squeeze my eyes shut and rock on my heels. No, no, this isn’t happening. Wake up!

“You could at least try to be nice! I’ve been living outside in some squirrel’s body, and then a little yappy dog’s – the lady who owned it put me in pink sweaters. Pink. Sweaters. All my pride killed by a fluffy knitted pullover.”

“Shut up!” I scream and pinch my cheeks so hard they numb.

“Hey, hey!” I hear the carebear pad over. “Be careful with your human skin! That stuff is fragile!”

“You’re not exactly armored yourself, fuzzball,” I snarl, “Oh God. No, I’m not having this conversation. This is not happening. You are not real.”

“I am too!” The carebear’s muzzle frowns. It opens like a real mouth, shapes each word realistically. I dive under my bedcovers as it takes a step towards me.

“Stay away!” I reach for the nearest blunt thing – a chem textbook – and wave it threateningly, my head barely peeking out of the covers. Like cloth will protect me from an insane talking bear. If it goes for the kitchen where our knives are I’m jumping out of my window.

“Just calm down, okay?” The bear pleads, paws out and black eyes morose. “I know it’s scary. Just breathe! In, out. You humans are good at that!”

It takes another step forward, and I lunge out and slam the textbook over its head. Once, twice, three times, four, five, keep slamming, keep slamming and it will shut up and go away and you’ll wake up and everything will be fine if it just dies, die, die, die –

“Ow!” Slam. “Hey, cut it –” Slam. “Out!” Slam. “Please!” Slam. “You’re really hurting me!”

“That’s the general idea!” I shriek, and the bear keels over after my last slam, making little groaning noises. Before it can start talking again, I pick it up by the foot and rush to the front door. I have to punt it into the next state, stick it in the local incinerator, donate it to a dog kennel, something, anything to get it away –

I wrench the door open and come face to face with Caden. His eyebrows shoot up, looking between my no-doubt crazed expression and my hand that holds the bear like it’s poisonous.

“Won it at a carnival or something?” He tries.

“Get out of my way. I need to burn it,” I snarl. I push past, but he blocks me.

“Whoa, what? Burn it? Why? It’s a perfectly useable stuffed…thing.”

“It’s a monster and it needs to die.”

“Girls are supposed to like these kinds of things,” He counters.

“Get out of my way!” I scream. I can feel the bear wiggling in my hand. I don’t want to be touching it when it starts talking again. What if it tries to bite my throat?

“Do you have any idea how crazy you sound right now?”

“If you don’t get out of my way right now -”

“What are you –” He starts. I give him a cursory kick in his black-jeans crotch. He doubles over, wheezing, and I cross the lawn. Where can I destroy this thing? A lawnmower buzzes from across the street. Perfect.

||||||||||||||||||||||||||\

YO WHAT
this book is called 'a girl reacts realistically to crazy fantasy shit going on in her suburban life'
alternatively it can be called 'magic knight rayearth with more blood and drugs'.

probs not gonna focus on writing it much longer, since I'm sort of in the track to be a 'creepy, literary thriller YA' writer. (MY EDITOR'S WORDS) At least for a while. My penname can do whatever she wants though, isn't that snazzy.

oh my god if they get John Green to blurb my shit I will just straight up lie down and die 

BURN EVERYTHING

Been crying and drinking rum and pepsi (NO COKE SO SAD) and watching listening to this all day no hate


"This yuppie's talking blah blah, he wants to Bink my Jar Jar."

all our friends are dead pt. 3

I HAVE A CALL TOMORROW



I'm all on my own nobody to hold my handdddd
nobody to tell me what to say or not say

I have to forge my own path, this is my own battle

I will not let my dream down.

not now.

not when I can taste it.

this war makes everything mundane seem so mundane

the question is what do I do after the war
what do I fight after I've won a good chunk of peace

this is a good question

EDITARD:

the spoils of battle start to divide up

the swords hung to rust, the guns racked and silent

and the soldiers go home to their wives and make babies

and the general takes off his hat and has a glass of brandy and congratulates the fireplace

alone 

HE KNOWS there will be a fight someday else, soon, but this was his first war in command

he won it he didn't let anyone down he won it he's fine everyone is fine there have been causalities but they won

and that's all that matters

all that suffering, all of everyone's suffering, wasn't for nothing

He's proven himself.

proven

the actual word 'proven'

the 'do what you talk big about' sort of proven

the 'walk up and tell him to fuck off once and for all' sort of proven

the 'do what you promised yourself just before falling asleep' sort of proven

the 'meditate for eleven years and levitate one inch' sort of proven

the german 'throw you in a room of dogs and see if you live' sort of proven

I am not a person I am diamond willpower and gold luck/hard vodka and a cranberry chaser/'ma'am your son is dead' and a soft smile

the fight has been my whole PURPOSE these few years

who do I want to BE

I want to be someone who gave it her all, everyday, all the time

all passion, all the time

fight hard party harder

no lies

no pettiness

no regrets

I have paid my dues and done my time

for this particular crime, anyway

if they wanna play, I'm happy to oblige

here I go

enjoy the show

so cocky

I've found it

what it means to be young

now let me soak it in and write it out

I AM DOOMED AT LEAST I WILL GO DOWN LAUGHING AT MY OWN IDIOCY

Michelle P says

also

Sarah H says

ALSO

Michelle P says

what do I wear

Sarah H says

clothes?

Michelle P says

to this uh

DATE

Sarah H says

OMG

Michelle P says

I've never been on a date

I've just like

played vidyagames

and made food

and only realized later that's technically classified as a 'date'

Sarah H says

I would do sundress

so you look nice

but

dont SCREAM I'm trying to impress you

Michelle P says

okay

the only sundress I have is black and hot pink and green it's weird

so uh are converse okay

Sarah H says

if you catch my drift

Michelle P says

or are ballet flats

too dressy

Sarah H says

tennis shoes with a sundress?

Michelle P says

WHY AM I A RETARD IN THIS

Sarah H says

girlfriend

Michelle P says

"gurlfren"

Sarah H says

rock the flats if you dont have sandals

Michelle P says

I don't

but

but my flats make that clippy noise

Sarah H says

LOL

Michelle P says

that's too PROFESSIONAL

TOO POLISHED

DO I WEAR TIGHTS

BLACK OR ZEBRA STRIPED OR SUPERMAN COMIC BOOK PRINT

I HAVE ALL OF THOSE

Sarah H says

youre thinking about it too much

umm

Im not a tights girl cept in winter

so idk

Michelle P says

BUT

I DONT WANT TO FLASH ANYONE

Sarah H says

Are you going to be doing cartwheels?

Michelle P says

DO I HAVE TO WEAR

PANTIES

no I'm okay

Sarah H says

WHAT?

Michelle P says

I got the panties bit down

Sarah H says

versus what?

Michelle P says

versus

grandma panties for not-fancy times

Sarah H says

DONT YOU WEAR PANTIES EVERY DAY

oh

lol

Michelle P says

AHAHAH

I'm so

okay so do I

oh god

I just go out with eyeliner everyday

is that

okay

or should I just

Sarah H says

yes!

Michelle P says

okay

Sarah H says

JUST CHILL BRO

Michelle P says

oh god I

okay

I'll try

but honestly that word is really far back in my dictionary

oh fuck do I pay for shit or

let him or

I HATE

DECIDING WHO PAYS FOR SHIT

because it's awkward as fuck

in all regards

money is like a whole other world 

OTHER HURDLE

Sarah H says

well are you doing dinner and a movie?

Michelle P says

no just a movie

I'm not that grown up

"dinner and a movie"

PSH

Sarah H says

LOL

well

if he gets the tickets, get the snacks

or whatever

Michelle P says

OH

that's a good

THATS GOOD

Sarah H says

I KNOW IM BRILLIANT

Michelle P says

YOURE SO GOOD

HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH

okay

I feel better

I actually feel 12

MEANWHILE IN ohgodKOREAwhy
if you really wanna know I was straight-faced all the way up until the elevator guy and then I promptly lost my shit

HOME SWEET HOME

I don't even care if this is crap, it's carrying me through this book at lightspeeds, my fingers are flying like holy shit and ideas are coming in and that's all I ever demand from music

let it be known writing music and 'actual music I recreationally enjoy' are two entirely different things, writing music needs to be forgettable but driving

|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Brooke asks me if I’m okay a lot. I smile and keep smiling, and direct her attention to our massive piles of homework, a Freshmen with her thong hanging out, Mr. Hernandez’s horse laugh. Anything to keep her mind off me. To make things like they were before – calm and peaceful and mundane. I want to be her. To be oblivious, again. I want to be them – the people talking about French class and fish sticks for lunch and driving tests. Jealousy. It wells up in my throat and corrodes my voicebox.

Why me? Why not them? How many of them are Knights like me and I just don’t know it? I’m so lost in the possibilities I don’t see the last step. I eat it hard, my palm taking the brunt of the fall. Some nice guy asks me if I’m okay. I nod and wave him off and pick myself up. The hall empties as people hurry to recess. I try to will the pain away, take inventory. My palm is shredded. Silver paint glistens wetly on my palm, probably from the stairs. The silver paint chokes out my bleeding, even.

Wait.

I turn and look at the steps. They aren’t wet. No wet paint on any of them. I dab at the silver paint on my palm with a finger. It’s warm. My breathing speeds up. No, calm down. Get to a bathroom, wash it all off. There’s red blood under there, somewhere. I push into a girl’s bathroom and rinse my hand frantically, rubbing at the broken skin. It hurts, but there has to be blood. I need to see red. I need to see –

My scrape is clear for one moment. One pure, normal moment, I’m looking into pink skin and everything is right with the world. And then the silver paint wells up, and pushes out.

It’s coming from me.

It’s inside me.

My legs give out. Hard tile under knees. Someone’s screaming in panting bursts – no, that’s me. I’m screaming. Except I don’t remember telling myself to do that. Stop. Stop it. It’s ringing off the tile. Someone’s going to hear you. They’ll see you like this. They’ll see the silver too. They’ll know something’s wrong. They’ll know you’re wrong.

I muffle my mouth with my hand and accidentally taste it. Blood. The silver’s in my mouth, smeared across my face. It tastes like blood – normal red blood, metallic, dry, sour. I rub my eyes. Hard. If I rub them hard enough, it’ll go back to being red blood, won’t it? It has to. It should. I don’t want this anymore.

The door creaks open. “And like I was ever gonna tell him –”

“You should’ve!”

Gasps. Swears. “Holy shit!”

“What the hell are you doing on the floor?”

“Isn’t she a sophmore?”

“Hey, hey!” A girl kneels and puts her face in mine. “You okay? Did you slip or something?”

“Ew, what’s all that silver crap everywhere?”

“Paint?”

“Hey!” The girl in my face pats my cheek. “Seriously, are you okay?”

Her warm hand on my cold face snaps me out of my panic. “I-I’m fine.” I cover my hand with my sleeve. “A pen exploded in my bag –”

“I remember those!” A girl behind us crows. “Gel pens with like gold and silver ink – those were awesome.”

“I liked the smelly markers better,”

“I should go.” I stand. “Thanks. For asking if I was okay.”

“Hey,” The girl shrugs. “Anybody would.”

I glance at the chattering girls behind her. “Not everyone.”

“Your hand’s all torn up,” The girl insists, glancing at the skin peeking from my sleeve. “You shouldn’t leave it covered in ink like that. Not good for the wound.”

I smile and push out the door. That was close. So close. If they’d looked much closer they’d –

“You’re fooling no one,” A voice comes from my left. A girl, dark hair dyed with bright, poppy red streaks. Black eyes, almond shaped, and a smile so serene it’s like she’s nirvana-happy. I’ve seen her before – Senior. Nicole Kim. Cheerleading vice captain.

“If you don’t bandage it, everyone will see,” Nicole singsongs without looking at me. “Wouldn’t want anyone to know you’re a freak, would you?”

“I don’t know what –”

“My period,” Nicole sighs. “Three years ago, I came into this same bathroom. Can you imagine finding that silver crap in your underwear? I thought I was dying. Or hemorrhaging mercury. Either way, incredibly bad things were going down in my lady parts.”

She hefts off the wall and smiles angelically at me. “Caden didn’t tell you, then? He can be such a dope – all serious and focused on ‘duty’ crap and ‘the Code’ crap without really telling you the things that matter.”

“Y-You know him? Then that means you’re -” Relief floods me. She holds a finger to her lips and winks.

“Ah, keep it quiet.”

“This silver stuff –”

“Totally normal,” She flips her hair over her shoulder. “Just like the evil dudes and their clear blood, us good dudes develop silver blood. It’s a mark of a true –” She leans and whispers like it’s a Christmas secret. “Knight!”  

“And it’s all –”

“Like regular human blood. Works the same, tastes the same.”

“But what about –”

“Durga wipes the memories of anyone who sees it. She probably knows about your little stunt already and took care of it. Five, four, three, two, –”

The group of girls come screaming out of the bathroom, laughter and perfume. The girl who stopped to ask me if I was okay gives me a once-over and doesn’t look back. Like she’d never seen me before.

Nicole pats me on the back. “See? Just don’t go donating blood or dating any vampires, and you’ll be fine.”

“It’s nice,” I say. “I didn’t know anyone else beside Caden was…you know.”

“Are you planning to join a club?” I shake my head. “You should try out for cheerleading,” Nicole insists. “I’ve got a feeling you’d be great.”

I almost laugh. Me? Cheerleading? No way. Ava’s more the type.

“I’m not exactly friendly, or athletic,” I say. “Or, uh, smiley.”

“Just try out. No harm in trying, right? It’d be fun. And we can talk more about, you know, Knight stuff.”

“I’m still not sure if I want to be one.”

“Oh, you’re one whether you’re sure or not,” Nicole smiles brighter. “There’s no turning back, and the sword never changes its mind. It only chooses a new Knight after you die. You learn to live with it.”  

Words I don’t want to hear. The weight in my stomach starts to burn.

“You’re the simple type, right?” Nicole asks. “So you’ll probably fight it for a while. But that’s okay. Do that. Fight. It’ll be fun to watch. Just know - they win in the end. They always do.”

She leaves a lingering smell of jasmine and sunblock behind. 

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why yes, I made a fourth-wall twilight reference in my young adults book, whatchu gonna do about it