silver and gold

sometimes I just want a nice place for my melodrama to fall 
I can't FB anything because everyone's watching
I can't twitter anything because everyone's watching
this is my lasttttttttttttttttttttttt hidden place
I'm already ruining my image of accomplished author girl it's fantastic
I'm so bad at taking anything seriously
life included
politics nope
literary snobbery nope
book-world popularity nope
awards nope
honor nope
family nope


even though I've done this, it's still not enough

I don't think it'll ever be enough


money solves everything
money is what we're killing ourselves for
what an unworthy fucking cause

people are counting on me
but I wanna run away

I need to make it big or I'll never be able to make them happy

that's my next goal

be big

to do that, I have to give up something, probably
my integrity is the only thing i have left, really

and my youth/health


if I run and leave them to work it out it won't work out good
mom's been through so much in her life, she deserves a place of her own
dad's worked so hard, he needs to let go and rest for a while
my sister's going down a strange path because she doesn't have a lot of resources I don't want her to do things just because she's desperate for money I want her to have the freedom to choose her own life without restrictions
I wanna be the cool aunt who takes my nieces on trips to Japan, something they remember for all their lives, college, also, it would be hella cool to help them with college

if I run


if I run

I'd hate myself
but I'd be free



but if I make it big, it would all be okay

right?








I don't know how to be anything other than helpful

it's annoying

what do people do with their lives when it isn't about money



doubt is super unsexy

so I'll stop that now

I've made up my mind

I'm going to get huge, just watch me
do try to keep up