how four minutes made me decide to write a book

no hate

from my phone notepad for no reason;

Let me tell you a story.

This one time there was this girl and her name was something common 
but pretty, like Lily.

So anyway this one time Lily freaks out because she's just chilling 
with this guy, right, and she's pretty familiar with him because 
they've been hanging out fairly regularily for about two months that's 
a good amount of time. in cat years that's like...point four years. 
Legit and decent, right good yes okay. Hangin out is how people 
establish connections, so she's doing it the right way, the normal 
people way. She really wants to do things the right way. The best 
chance way.

So let's say, you know, in the atypical dance routine of building 
human affections, the guy hugs Lily. Lily's fine with hugs, sure guy 
hugs are a little different feeling because height and bones and 
smells, but she's had enough of them to know they're fine except this 
time this one is different because his hand is moving somewhere else 
and it's not bad it's just weird and Lily back ups too fast and he 
takes it as an offense and it all just spirals into madness, into 'why 
did you lead me on this long' word fisticuffs and eventually Lily 
stops trying to explain (because he won't get it if she can't get it 
herself) and leaves.

She can speak four full sentences he taught her in Spanish and she can 
kick ass with Lu Bu and when she closes her eyes she can smell the 
smell of him.

Because at twenty....five Lily should probably be used to getting 
felt up. Standard address of female existence. Touchy feely hormone 
emotion martini with Geraldine to make it even girlier, maybe a nice 
umbrella pick to stab unsavories with. Girly girly girly when you are 
a girly you like romance and drinks and touchy feely touchy feelies 
right that has to be everyone's case right

Lily's world is awesome in a lot of ways but in certain aspects it 
blows copious chunks. Her nerves are BUGGING her lately, breathing in 
hurts, electric buzzing in her spine but no the real electricity is the 
way she puts on a face so none but the foolish approach, push push 
push, and then when it strikes her like drums, static, hammerblows, 
she's too quiet because she is terrified and the moment passes and 
dies on the other side of forever.

And she's so tired of being the girl who never was and it will be a 
long while before she finds someone to push away again.

In the meantime she pulls pulls pulls over and chants 'nothings wrong' 
and stabs at her head with her fists and laughs until the sun sets 
behind the church steeple and the steering wheel goes cold.

Because people like her are just not meant to, because nothing matters 
as little as love, because nothing matters as much as love

Because someday she'll be a big girl who can fuck and suck face with 
the best of them

Someday she'll find someone and get over herself.

That's what they say, anyway.