strange annex

It's still dark out.
I don't mean it in the metaphorical sense, but in the actual 'hi I'm black everywhere outside your windows' sense.

This is the third day in a row I've been woken up by night terrors so vivid my skin crawls lava under the pores every hair standing on end, waves of heat and ice simultaneously, locked into paralysis in a half-dream state afraid to turn on the light to see what's standing across the room except nothing is, you know that -

I'm not...it's hard to pinpoint this.

It's hard to pinpoint because I'm a reactive personality. impulsiveness up to eleven. I'm a creature? animal? Of instinct and I don't say this lightly, I say this with years of evidence to back it up.

I rarely ever think things through before I say them. I constantly make an ass of myself. I say things that probably hurt people and usually I'm good about recognizing when I actually hurt them and apologize for it.

I think that's a good way to live. Because nobody gets the wrong idea about you. Because, if you can't control yourself and throw yourself headfirst into things you like, you can't put up a pretense.

That's a lie.

I work very hard to keep the pretense.

Everybody does/I'm not anything special. I say I really hate most people and the cursory glances of the Crowd That Is Real Life is what I do actually hate. I keep people at arms length and sneer and glare while simultaneously smiling and being courteous because without those smiles I'm certain...bad things would happen. Obviously you don't do the smiley thing when surrounded by strange men or walking down a street. Never smile in big cities. Never smile in places you don't know. Don't make eye contact. The world is filled with enough psychos, don't go inviting them all in at once, ladies, by being kind.

Kindness will get you killed. Complacency, making exceptions, making excuses, justifying, all of it is deadly. It's one subtle slip after another, a snowball of peesnow and claymore mines. At the very worst it will get you killed. At the very least it will get you four kids and an abusive husband. 


your gut is the only thing you should ever listen to. 


So I keep people away and pretend to hate them, and I do to some extent. I just keep hating until I get a sense of the person, and then some turn out to be genuinely nice and cool and then I drop the act because they are Good People.

This method has rarely ever been wrong.

Even the people I later turned out not to like so much remain okay people. At their core, I sense they are decent, or 'solid', there's no real word in the English language for the instinctive feel of 'rightness' of a 'person's character'. I would say soul but that's not even quite it.

The point is I'm ruled by my gut. I put stock in intelligence, sure, but at the end of the day intelligence is tied very closely to ego and ego is so frail and exposed and fluctuating. I just can't bring myself to stick all the eggs in a basket made of tissue.

And that's all I have to say about that.

I'm not even subtly funny. I'm just bizarre and figure that's a stand-in for genuine wit and humor.

I try so hard to control myself. To become...a really cool person. I'm going to make an anime reference now derp.

There's always the hot-blooded main character who is really stupid and slow and the others constantly rag on him for it, but for some reason still stick around him. He's nice, sort of, cowardly, sometimes, but generally he's always loyal and willing to do anything to show that loyalty.

And then there's this really cool dude, usually with silver hair, and he's so meticulous and reticent and calm and smart and the girls just fall at his feet because he's so KAKKOII and the main character envies him a little but looks up to him even more. Main character wants to be him. Main character assumes he WILL be the cool guy, someday, because Main character is just that naive.

People don't really actually change all that much.

Which is why Main character is forever doomed to his life of clumsy fire.

But somehow, Main character comes to realize that Cool dude is flawed in some way. And then Cool dude says he envies Main character his fire and it's all a vicious, homoerotic upward spiral from there.

To me, everyone in my life is a Cool dude in some way. It might just be one aspect of them, but it's a part of them anyway. I Main character my sister's Cool dude ability to talk about sex so nonchalantly, her fashion, her effortless good-looking thing. I Main character friend's Cool dude ability to be so freaking cute it hurts, to be so understanding it hurts. I Main character second friend's Cool dude ability to be stoic and reserved, to say things that actually mean something, to keep her composure no matter the situation and still be a bucketload of un-fussy fun. I Main character third friend's Cool dude capacity for adventure, artistic talent. I Main character fourth friend's Cool dude ways of making the whole room laugh.

Everyone is an edgy teenager and I'm just a

inexperienced maternal stick in the mud complaining very loudly about being an inexperienced maternal stick in the mud

I get swept up in other people
I reflect the people in my immediate vicinity unconsciously and sometimes that's horrible
It's why people go OH SUCH AN ENIGMA
Not really an enigma - it's just that if there are people, if there is a feeling in the air I will pick it up and reflect it, eat it, turn it into my own blood, and live it for a while

So who I am by myself is never really on display

I'm not saying I don't have feelings and motives of my own, because I do, but unless I sit down for weeks and meditate and then hopefully have an 'AH HA' moment, I can't pinpoint them, I can't define them, and they might as well not exist for how quickly they change and how oblivious I am to them. I'll act on instinct and be perfectly content with not knowing why I just did something I did. as long as the gut says it's okay, I won't regret it. I will in hindsight, sure, but the moment is the moment and I love the moment

It makes talking really hard

People misunderstand me, or get mixed up signals, or just straight up have no idea what I'm talking about. I try to WILL IT to them, via my mind, to just transfer the feeling, the point I'm trying to make, but you can guess how often that works


...surprisingly often, granted the right people are there. I don't know what right means but I know it when I talk to them. See! This is what I mean mean mean mean.

FUCK YOU shadow in the corner I'm fine now BITCH I got a LAMP ON and I'm hugging a BIG ASS CARNIVAL TEDDY BEAR that smells like exhaust ewwwwwwww


I'm starting to dread sleeping because I know these influxes of terror will seep into me and wake me up again and again, so I put off sleeping for as long as I can

I just want it to stop

no I don't. I don't want anything to stop. Life is also terror. It can't be soapstone content all the time. I'm okay with that.

I kind of like the feeling of the hot-cold wave under my skin, anyway.

what is the point


the point is I have no idea who I am or why I feel the emotions I do when I do, or what I'm truly capable of unless faced with each individual cosmic instance of living, one moment at a plodding time, so when people ask me or try to pinpoint me I just shrug and trollface my way to the bank because pinpointing is not a concept in my existence

and I sort of don't ever want to know who I am because that would take all the mystery and fun out of it

The sun's up.



EDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT:

I forgot! I forgot. I forgot I don't really matter.

it doesn't matter who understands me and who doesn't, or why, or how, or when

it doesn't matter who I am or who I'm not, or who likes me as a person or who doesn't

All that matters is writing.

failure is not an option
I do not fail

that's exactly why it doesn't matter if I look up to people, if I want to be cooler, all of it doesn't just matter because

I'm not a humannnnnnnnnnnnnn

I'm a purposeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I became a purpose the second I found that purpose



I forget and call it a job so easily/I promised I would never forget
this is not a job it is a dream
never forget that
or you might lose the magic

I AM MAGIC


I'm going to try to sleep now here goes nothing

please don't fail
please don't fail
please let me sleep okay
please leave me alone monsters

or don't

I'm cool with whatever makes for better writing